:(

I am starting to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through.
And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is.
I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't.
I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff.
I just want out.
I've had it.
I am so tired.
I am 27 and I am already exhausted.

Sigh

Hey,
And another Monday is here. Days sure are flying by! Sad thing is I haven't been up to much. . . Work, home, work, home, work play. Not enough play if you ask me bloggie. I need to work on widening my horizons and my networks. At the moment, the most I do with my life is wake up, have some coffee, get ready for work, walk under that excruciating sunshine, get to my meager paying job and listen to stupid, senseless calls for the rest of the afternoon and half the night. It's a very tiring and un-challenging life. :(
When I happen to be off, I will spend half of that time vegging out in front of the telly. When I do get lucky enough to get a visitor, we will drink ourselves stupid, end up in a bar somewhere in town and dance the night away. By the time I'm awake and rested vizuri, it's Sunday.. time to go back to work. I hate my life! My friends don't care about hanging out with me anymore, and the few who care, I cancel on them. Sigh.
I need to start making wiser, sounder and sober-er decisions. Decisions that will help my life in the long run. Cos it looks like I'm in this alone :( XoXoXo

Nazoea

Hey Bloggie,
It's so cool having you to fall back on. Am still sad :( So so sad. I simply don't know what to do. The last time I went through a tough break up was with J, and that was years go!
And I suppose that didn't hurt as much as it should have cos we stayed 'FUBU's for a while... Or maybe it hurt more, cos I dragged on the pain all through the FUBU crap? :(
Things at work are almost calming down, the thing is, that bad feeling is still there. You know that feeling of impending doom? Yeah. As if what we just experienced was a tip off the ice berg. And when the impending doom does come by, I know it's gonna suck SO SO much.
I wish I could just figure out what I wanted to do with my life and get the hell out of this country already.. Before my brothers marry and have no more money for me:(

Our Song

OUR SONG

Somewhere we went wrong
What we had was strong,
Our love was like a song.
But you refused to sing along.
Now this is where we stand.
Tell me, do you regret holding my hand?
All our memories have been burned
Our past is just another lesson learned
I really Thought we had it all
And I was just about to fall
so much harder than ever for you.
But I let you go when I said 'I love you'
You didn't say it back, At least you didn't lie.
But just realizing the truth made me cry
Because too many times truth hurts.
But don't lie, it'll only make things worse

Through

So it has been a really trying time for guys at work. Jobs were on the line, some of them still are actually. . And it sucks big time cos my girl is one of the affected ones :( She and all the others have worked SO hard and it sux seeing them go through this... But we can always hope for the best.
These are the times u need somebody to reassure you, somebody to tell u everything is going to be OK. I tried looking for that too, in my good old boy fried. And you know what? I give up. I so FUCKING give up. It's better to be man-less than to go through this bull shit I'm going through. I did so much for that nigger but the moment he took that forsaken plane to Greece, he forgot all the shit. So Bottom line, it's time I forget everything about him and start focusing on my future. … And to think I was ready to go to that hopeless place, throw away my years of hard-work in school and at work and become a frigging mboch?!. No thank you.
On other news... I can't get over my new crush X) You know, the tall, dark handsome one? Yeah. And up to a few days ago I was under the impression that he was too young for me. He's simply perfect and would make my break up so much easier to handle :-P.. Worth a thought, definitely worth a thought :)

Argg!

Hey Bloggie!
So its been a pretty looong month and it doesnt look like things will be getting any easier. Its just so hard seeing BB1 in this state. All i can do is pray that things will get better. As for paps,I gotta find a way to sort that out. Nway, today i bumped into my pals ever faithful boyfriend. And my pal is doing well. And no am not jealous. I just wish i could get off this lazy bum for a minute and do something worthwhile with my life. Anywho! back to BB's problems.. I AM trying my best. But there's only so much a girl can do. And especially when she has NO support system in the name of a man:-( XoXo

Tired

So I'm getting pretty tired of stuff. Yesterday had another stupid fight and as usual he just WON'T see my point. I know the little bitch is just doing her best to try get to me, and of course what she's really after is MY man. But she's gonna have to kill me first... I hate bitches!

XoXoXoXo

My sacrifice

Have I ever told you how absolutely COOL it is that I have this little haven of mine to run to whenever I need a listening ear?
.. Yeah yeah yeah, call me lonely, but there are some things you simply can't tell everyone. Plus I am one very private person.
Any whoo! Today is just one of those days you just want to run around smiling and grinning. But then of course this is me, I rarely smile and I certainly have no reason to smile when it comes to my job which is in jeopardy right now.
The client may just be pulling out of the contract, and not to disclose too much, let me just say there might be a few hundreds of disgruntled employees very soon. Add me on the list :(
Having said that, BB2 is coming home today before he goes away, AGAIN! But for this next week, everything is gonna be alright and smiley :)

XoXoXoXoXo
Marsh.

Too Good To Be True

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.
You'd be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

Pardon the way that I stare,
There's nothing else to compare,
The sight of you leaves me weak,
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real,
You're just too good to be true,
Can't take my eyes off of you,

I need you baby, if its quite alright,
I need you baby to warm my lonely nights,
I love you baby, trust in me when I say okay,
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down I pray,
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay,
And let me love you,
oh baby let me love you

You're just too good to be true,
Can't take my eyes off of you,
You'd be like heaven to touch,
I wanna hold you so much,(hold you so much)
At long last love has arrived,
And I thank God I'm alive,
You're just too good to be true,
Can't take my eyes off of you,

I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm the lonely nights,
I love you baby. Trust in me when I say it's okay
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down I pray,
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay,
And let me love you, oh baby let me love you oh baby
I need you baby, if it's quite alright
I love you baby, you warm the lonely nights
I need you baby, trust in me when I say it's okay

Happy Birthday

Yaay, it's a new day. More like a new weekend...
So my birthday was last weekend and boy did I have a blast! Traveled down to the Kenyan Coast with my two girls and spent the weekend lying on the beach, sipping on margaritas, dancing at Bobs and all fun stuff.
So I'm growing older and it pretty much sucks. Growing old is my BIGGEST fear in life, and I'm sure a lot of people are afraid of that. But they say with age comes wisdom, right? Well wish I felt a little bit brighter. I miss being 18, I miss having the promise of the future, being able to do anything I want to do with no repercussions. Now before I even change my hairstyle I gotta think of a million things. Before I consider setting out for a weekend of partying I gotta do my budget and first see if I will be able to pay next month's rent. And what's with this saving shit? I mean come on! Sigh.
All in all, this is life, ain't nothing else to do but live it, right??
XoXoXoXo

Happy

Hey blog, so today I'm only doing happy, happy songs, happy thoughts, happy times. Currently listening to an LP track and as old as the song might be, those boys still get to me! So let's see, it's been an aiight day. I was meant to be in bed lounging and watching Denny Crane. But I'm at work. sacrifices... sacrifices. So pretty happy day. God things happening, I don't have to see some fools any more and bear their arrogance :) yeah.... happy day bloggie:-)
On the other hand my best girl is going through a rough patch. All her plans for the future are being messed up one by one, I'm feeling so helpless and such are the times I wish I was still the baller I used to be a few years ago :( . Life can sure suck, but I have this feeling and I know things are gonna work out just fine for her... Gotta keep the faith.
So i'm looking forward to my leave where i will go and lay in the sun and sand for a few days, dance away my youth, make out with strangers(NOT!), get WASATED and not give a second thought to my trashy X, and hunt for a new job...

Oh happy times :) .. Happy songs :)... happy thoughts :)

XoXo

Lost

Yes Bloggie, lost describes what I have been feeling for quite some time now.
Lost... my future, my boyfriend, my job, my education.
I simply can't seem to make up my mind on what it is I want to be doing in the next 4days, lets not talk about the next 5 years. I'm thinking of where I will start, I suppose my love life is always fun topic...
So everything was rosy and perfect when he was about to leave. We had all these big, major plans for our future, babies, money, forever. 11 months down the line it's starting to feel like we are letting go off those dreams. 11 months down the line it feels like we were simply a couple of naive teenagers, living in a bubble.
I guess we're both to blame. I just hate the path our relationship is taking and I feel helpless. After XJ i swore I would never let a man define who I am. I thought I had learned my lessons from that wreck of a relationship, but maybe I was wrong :(.
And as much as I would think of letting go I simply can't do it, cos I'm still hopelessly in love with the fool.
I know... you're probably thinking, how can she still love someone she probably doesn't know any more? People change and stuff.
And yes I KNOW people change, I am definitely not the same person I was one year ago and I'd be a fool to think that he's still the man I fell in love with.
But if true love isn't forever then what the fuck is??
If you can't believe in your love and have that strong love overcome oceans and time and thousands of miles and cold, sleepless nights then what the fuck are we supposed to believe in?
I feel like I have seen and been through too much in my previous relationships and deserve a break.
I felt like this man was finally my long overdue break.
But maybe nothing really does last forever.
Maybe true love only exists on love songs and Cinderella stories.
Maybe I really do need to stop living in the bubble I've been living in.....???
XoXo

While

Hey Blog!
It sure has been a while. But you know me.... Been doing great though. Can't complain. Not much has changed since I last updated you at the beginning of this year. Same job, same house, same man...
XoXoXO

NeW yEaR!

Hey Blog.

Happy new 2009!! It was an awesome new year's eve. that's about all I can say. Got to vuka the year with my girl A and we had amazing time. almost everyone who is anyone from jobo was there and since all the clubs were packed to the maximum we made use of the park benches and welcomed in 2009 in style. only wish is that BD could have been there with me. but hopefully next year we will be together having a white Christmas and new year's eve together. Still missing him madly and loving him crazily.

xoxo